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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Dishrack Spooge Facial

I am disgusting. My face is disgusting. I feel disgusted because my face is covered with liquid gunk that spewed forth from the dish rack when I threw a rack of glasses on it. Anyone who has spent time in a restaurant knows what I speak of. I will let the gunk speak for itself:

Hey, ladies and germs, I'm a puddle of water and I am sitting on the dish rack waiting to jump into your mouths. Well, I'm not just water. I'm mostly water but I also have some wine and soda mixed in with me and a little bit of orange juice and whatever else people have been drinking tonight. Plus saliva. Lots and lots of saliva and backwash. When waiters dump the glasses into the rack that sits on the dish rack, whatever is left in the glass drips down and then rests on the ledge and it turns into me. You can call me Liquid Gunk. I just sit here until someone takes the rack down to put it in the dishwasher and then when they put the rack back where it was, if they don't do it slowly, it's going to make me splash all into their faces. It's my favorite thing! And tonight, I got to jump all onto the Bitchy Waiter's face. I just barely missed his mouth.

I have been dying to spooge all over his asshole face forever because he never scrapes the plates clean and he doesn't seem to know how to separate silver. He's always in the dish room eating bread or french fries or checking his Facebook. I have been waiting for this moment for a couple of years. I thought it would never come because he's such a lazy bitch that he hardly ever moves the racks of glasses. "That's Juan's job or Diego's or whoever the fuck," he says. Well tonight, he needed some glasses and so he pulled the full rack of dirty ones off the the ledge and put them in the dishwasher. Man, I was excited! I watched him pick up an empty rack and lift it over his head to put it in its place. If he was thinking, he would have done it slowly giving me no reason to splash, but I figured since he never does it, he wouldn't even think about it.

He threw the empty rack onto the shelf and it landed in me so violently that I threw myself at his face with all my might. I aimed right for his mouth, his eyes and his precious hair that he always bragging about and I spooged all over him. I gave that bitch a Liquid Gunk facial. I didn't get into his mouth which is just as well since it was probably full of Chardonnay anyway, but I did get into his hair.

"Goddammit!" he yelled. "Fucking nasty ass water just got all the fuck over me. Fuck!"

I looked over at Michael the dishwasher who was laughing. I dunno why Bitchy Waiter thinks his name is Miguel. 

"You have to put the rack up slower next time," Michael said.

"Yeah, whatever," said Bitchy Waiter. "This is why I don't do this shit!"

Michael and I both know that the reason he doesn't do the racks of glasses has more to do with his laziness than getting Liquid Gunk in his hair.

"I'm going to the restroom to wash this shit off my face. When that rack of glasses comes out of the dishwasher, send 'em out, comprende? Gracias, Miguel. God, my face is all sticky. I feel like a ten-dollar hooker at an after-hours orgy. Fuck!"

So yeah, I got him. I feel proud. And maybe he will learn now that when he puts the empty glass rack back on the ledge, he has to do it slowly because if he doesn't I will come all over his face just like I would with a ten-dollar hooker at an after-hours orgy. He deserved it. He's a bitch.



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16 comments:

Nathan Partyka said...

I feel your pain. I came under fire one night when a dishy was putting a rack back up and I ended up wearing a brown, sludgy bombardment of what looked to be the dried skin that forms on top of soup when it cools down.

Not a happy camper then.

Amanda said...

I Know Exactly What You Are Talking About! Had It Happen Many Times And I Still Can't Seem To Remember To Do It Slowly. Sorry For The Capital Letters. Stupid ANdroid 4.1.2

Tim said...

BW, got that shit in my mouth one time. And we were SMOKED so it' snot like I even had time to go and try and rinse it out or anything. I quick splash of water to rinse, wash the face and back out there. God I love this industry! Everyone should walk a day in our shoes!

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

EW!

Val said...

I have gotten a liquid gunk facial at work so many times. So gross.

Practical Parsimony said...

That was just disgusting, even more so since I was eating.

Kimberly Allen said...

I call it pot luck surprise anddddd I've had it in my mouth also! YUCK YUCK YUCK

euphoric_mania said...

Ahhh, honey! I know your pain all too well, I sat here cringing, teeth clenched the entire time. I know that feels, brah. I literally started keeping a toothbrush and toothpaste in my ho-bag just because of this. A ho-bag is the backpack I keep in my trunk for occasions like these and surprise late night hook ups. You got your change of clothes for the walk of shame, spare phone charger, hygiene stuff, a pineapple. You know, just keeping it vanilla.

Thwapper said...

Ugh. That totally sucks! On a side note, maybe I'll order my beverages (non alcoholic) in to go cups now. Lol. I'm sure you have a horror story about those too!

Anonymous said...

Hahahahah! What about liquid gunk from the silverware bin in the DMO? Especially when a fellow worker throws the silverware haphazardly and the water gets in your face and mouth? Right. So gross

used and abused restaurant manager said...

I laughed so hard ! So true.

Rogue Wino said...

We just switched our setup around, so that now the silverware bin is near the kitchen entrance, where we can't see if anyone is about to launch a knife in and make a mess. I can't tell you how many times a coworker has inadvertently treated me to a dish splooge facial when I've come up the stairs in to the kitchen. Ugh, I need a shower just thinking about it.

PrettySusannah said...

When I read your blog, I often think of things that happen at my workplace. I am a hair stylist, you see, working at a salon for women. Now, some women brings their kids with them, and then lets them run free. And if any of us at the salon (I am a co-owner together with my mom and her friend Bianca) says something, the parents often get angry at us.

T.J. said...

I cracked up laughin! OMG! Talk about memories of the Hours Long Dish Orgy. I worked in a place that didn't have the nice little racks shown in the pic. Oh no, it was flat, no holes, etc. ANd in a rush, I tossed the bin, and full coverage. Tossed a few cookies. But, like Euphoric up top, I had a Ho-Bag. Thank goodness.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god... happens to me all.the.time. I work at Fr**(a popular ice cream/family dining establishment).
We're talking ice cream/gross soda/juice and coffee spooge. LOL

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