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Monday, April 1, 2013

Take This Job (and a Fish Stick) and Shove It

You know how people sometimes keep their feelings bottled up inside them and they never fully release all the frustration they feel? I do that. Believe it or not, this blog is just the tip of the bitchy iceberg of angst and fury that live deep within my hard-crusted soul. More often than not, I swallow emotions and assume that they will fade away into nothingness. It's a good plan, but it doesn't always work out. Every once in a while, all the pressure builds up and spews out like the volcano in episode #76 of The Brady Bunch, "Today I am a Freshman," when Peter makes a volcano for a science project and it erupts all over Marcia and an her friends. I erupted at work.

I have three jobs. Correction: I had three jobs. Thanks to my brutally honest opinion about the owner of the restaurant, I now only have two jobs. Some may say I quit while others will say I was fired. Suffice it to say, I no longer work there and people will be talking about my exit for years to come.

I walk into work and the first thing I notice is that all of the tables have been cleared and everything is in a pile on the bar; table tents, candles, comment cards, menus. There are no chairs at any of the tables as they have all been dragged to the back of the room. The tables are covered with dust and the floor has trash all over it.

"What the fuck happened here," I ask the hostess?

"Oh, Mr. Vigoda let his son shoot a music video here today, so it's a little bit trashed."

"A little bit trashed? It looks like the aftermath of a poor white trash Tupperware bukkake orgy."

"What does that mean?" she asks.

"Are they coming back in to clean it up?"

"No, they're all gone. Mr. Vigoda told me to tell you thank you and that he owes you."

The only thing he owes me is the last three years of my life and I may be about to take his in exchange for it. I pull out my cell phone and scroll to my contacts and hit the one called ASSHOLE.

"This is Abe Vigoda, go." I hear the voice say on the other line.

"Umm, what happened to the restaurant, Abe?"

"Oh! Hey, BW. Yeah, sorry about that. My son's band, Fish Stick, shot their music video there today. Pretty cool, right?" he says with enthusiasm.

"Well, I guess it's cool for them, but the place is a wreck. Am I really the one who has to put this all back together? Ain't nobody got time for that."

Mr. Vigoda laughs. "I love that Sweet Brown video. Hey, maybe Fish Stick's video can go viral like that one did!"

The man is completely unaware how unfair it is that his no-talent son has left a huge mess for me to clean up as I make $5.00 an hour. I have hated Mr. Vigoda for too long and before my mouth knows what it is doing, I say:

"This is total bullshit. I don't work here so I clean up your fucking messes. I work for tips so unless Fish Stick is about to come back in here and leave me a huge fucking tip I am not cleaning this shit up. We open in an hour so if you want this place to be ready by then, I would suggest you get your ass back in here to do some opening side work because I quit. Go fuck yourself with a fishstick, asshole."

I hang up and the hostess stares at me.

"Did you really just tell Mr.Vigoda to go fuck himself with a fishstick?" she asks.

"Yeah, I think I did. And I think I just quit too. Oh, fuck, what have I done?"

My cell phone rings and I look down to see ASSHOLE flashing on my screen. I press the button to ignore it. Thirty seconds later, the phone at the host stand rings and the hostess picks it up.

"Thank you for calling The Restaurant, this is Emily, how can I - Oh, hello, Mr. Vogoda. Ummmm, BW?" She looks at me and shrugs her shoulders. "Ummm, I think he's in the restroom."

I grab the phone out of her hand and yell into into it, "Go fuck yourself with a fishstick!" and then slam the phone down.

It is now definite that I have quit my job. Slowly, I walk over to the computer and punch out.

"Bye, Emily. Tell everyone I'm really sorry but I had to go."

The phone rings again and as I head to the door, I see Emily pick it up. I don't hear what she says because I have already let the door close behind me.

I quit my job in the most epic of ways. Thankfully, I still have two other jobs where I can always pick up extra shifts. I will miss the people I worked with but I will not miss the job itself. And I will most certainly not miss Mr. Vigoda. For the rest of my life, I will always imagine him with a box of Mrs. Paul's fish sticks and a big crunchy frozen fish fillet hanging out of his ass.

April Fool, bitches!





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30 comments:

itswhatiam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark W said...

And this is why I love the Bitchy Waiter.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you!!! <3 how many of us get stuck doing this kind of shit and dream of a sweet sweet exit like this one?? Kudos to you bitchy, you're my hero!

Anonymous said...

epic. best exit ever.

Setterhouse said...

Oh you had me on that one - I was cheering you on! Best April fool this year.

Living abroad said...

Awesome. The most I could muster was I'm not coming back tomorrow. I'm a wimp.but a girl who worked at the same place walked out on the jaundiced bastard at the height of service. Packed. He was always riding us about where all the Grey Goose went, when anyone could tell from his ever present tall glass of 'ice water', and his yellow eyeballs, that all the Grey Goose went down his throat!

Corina said...

I love your April Fools' posts! You really got me with the one a few years ago where you said you were going to be a teacher! Abe VIgoda= Fish he-he. Thank you BW!

Stephanie said...

I read this and got SO excited for you... until the last line. Totally had me going!

Franci said...

Good one Bitchy...you got me!

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

You got me! I love you!

Anonymous said...

Totally got me with that one BW!!

Robyn (QLd Aust)

Elliott Taylor said...

Nobody does dry deadpan humor like Abe Vigoda. Sgt Fish was the greatest.

anne marie in philly said...

I almost fell for it...

Anonymous said...

Had me going all the way, completely missed the Vigoda-Fish connection. More power to your organ!

Anonymous said...

Vigoda (wygoda) means "comfort" .. So I'm at a total loss to the fish connection ..
~PolishSpring

jaimez1313 said...

No way did I just read the sentence "go fuck yourself with a fish stick". That is the best thing I've ever heard and I'm about to go repeat it to everyone I know :D

Myyna said...

Oh my god! I really hate the April jokes! I never ever able to identify them in advance. I'm fu*king unsuspecting bitch and I deserve it...

Desk Monkey said...

As a fellow volcano ready to erupt I have dreamed of having a moment like this, totally fell for it!
Oh well, still love ya BW

Anonymous said...

OMG Bitchy what a disappointment. I was so happy and proud of you until I read your last line. ahahahah Oh well, guess I can go now and fuck myself with a fish stick. :P

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